I have two loving and caring parents. Sadly, that doesn’t mean that they are great parents. They wanted me to be smart, independent, self-confident and kind. Surprisingly, because of our relationship, I feel neither of these things. My friends, partner have to constantly reassure me that I am worth at least something that I would believe only for a fraction of a second. So, my question for the past few months is this – how do the loving, caring parents ruin a kid so much that the only feelings I have are guilt, shame, and remorse?
I was taught to be loving and kind. I was taught to respect, cherish and be selfless towards the family. The only words that I would hear from my parents are “you are selfish”, “you don’t love your mother”, “if you are like this, you shouldn’t be a part of our family”. I was taught to appreciate education and strive through it. When I got into good university, I heard “you should stay in Lithuania, it’s better here”. When I got a badass position, the first thing that my mother said was “oh, I really wished you didn’t get that job.” When I achieved something, the first thing they said was “it’s okay, but you could have done better”. I was taught to be independent, self-confident. But whenever the conversation was about my future, I was always told that I should find a good man who could support me, that I should prepare myself for growing kids and staying at home. Whenever good happened to me, they always found a way to ruin that. And the sad part is that no one sees that. Okay, my partner definitely notices that, because when we start talking about them, I burst into tears. We have a couple of “Why don’t they love? Why am I not good enough for them?” teary evenings. But really. Everyone thinks that we are so close, cheerful, funny. That we have a perfect relationship. It took me a year and almost 2000km away from them to start to feel happy, to believe in myself at least a bit. If my parents read this, I can hear them saying “It’s your problem that you don’t think that we love you. It’s only in your head.” That might be true, but… actions speak louder than words. If they love shows by beating me to the ground… Do I really need that?
I am creating a family of my own. We’ve been living for a while, planning our wedding, but… Every few weeks I ask him if he loves me, if he will stay with me no matter what, what would happen if our love faded away. Every few weeks I say sorry, because I didn’t care enough, because I wasn’t kind enough, because I didn’t deserve him. Because we are creating a family, I started thinking about kids (in 10 years, definitely not now). I decided that I don’t/can’t be a mother. Not because I don’t like them because I’m too afraid that I would be a horrible mother. I’m afraid that I would fail to celebrate little achievements, precious moments. I’m afraid that I would be too busy with my things and would pay enough attention to my kids. I’m afraid that I would be selfish, unkind, poor example. I know it’s unreasonable to put all the blame on my parents, but damn. They did a pretty good job contributing to that. Only know I start to realize that I am not as horrible as I think. And I literally had to leave a country to realize that.